In this article, trust the process means recognizing resentment as an early warning sign, taking the right action, and letting go of the outcome. The process includes listening to my sponsor, using the recovery tools I have been taught, taking responsibility for my part, and making things right.
Sometimes, I need to remember that I am still an alcoholic. When I feel offended by others, I can be tested in ways that reveal where I still need spiritual growth.
The Dangers of Harboring a Resentment
At first, resentment can feel like a personal attack. Then it may grow into hurt feelings, frustration, or anger. However, when I ignore resentment, it can take root and threaten my sobriety. For that reason, overcoming resentment in recovery requires honesty, humility, and action.
The book Alcoholics Anonymous warns on page 64, “Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stems all forms of spiritual disease, for we have not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.”
Fortunately, the AA program offers a practical path forward. It calls me to take accountability through action by completing a fourth step inventory, practicing honesty, and making amends when needed.
Resentment Taking Root
In early sobriety, part of my weekly routine was meeting with my sponsor to check in on my progress. I was learning how to surrender instead of trying to control every situation. One assignment was simple but difficult: avoid conversations about politics and religion. Through my fourth step inventory, I discovered that one of my character defects was using arguments as a way to control others. My sponsor called this practice “restraint of tongue and pen.”
One day, I sat in a coffee shop with my sponsor and complained about a family member who had irritated me during a political discussion. I had not kept my agreement to avoid politics. As a result, my shortcomings showed up as anger. I explained how deeply hurt I felt and how ready I was to retaliate. At the time, I could not see my part in the resentment, and the root of resentment was growing.
After listening patiently, my sponsor gave me a practical suggestion: “Go home, write this all down on paper, and look at it from a different angle. Think about your part in the situation.” I pushed back and said, “I can write it down, but I doubt it will change anything.” I was still angry with this person.
My sponsor finished his coffee, stood up, and said, “David, sometimes you have to do the work, trust the process, and let God handle the outcome.” I took his suggestion as more of a demand. Still, I reluctantly began writing.
Honest Reflection
At first, I wrote to prove I was right. I wanted my sponsor to agree that I had been wronged. However, as I kept writing, the exercise shifted from blame to reflection. I set the writing aside for a while and later returned to it with a clearer mind. From that new perspective, I saw my fear, my pride, and the unkind things I had said.
Making Amends
The following week, my sponsor and I reviewed the resentment on paper. I could clearly see that my behavior came from stubbornness and self-centeredness. I wanted to be right. Instead of staying humble and avoiding the conversation, I tried to control the situation by arguing my point. Because of that, I knew I needed to make amends.
Personal inventory teaches me that I cannot keep resentment and peace at the same time. Before making amends, I needed prayer to help me keep a humble attitude. So, I repeated the Serenity Prayer and then changed the words slightly for the conversation ahead:
“God, give me the humility to be honest, the courage to make things right, and the strength to speak with an open heart. Amen.”
Then I made the amends, not because I knew the outcome, but because I needed to do what was right. As a result, the conversation went better than expected. The experience reminded me once again to trust in the process.
Reflection: Am I resisting or avoiding the actions needed to make things right?
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