Early in my recovery, I continued to try to manage certain parts of my life. I had stopped drinking and surely convinced I was able to make reasonable choices. AA suggests not to make big decisions in the first year of recovery. Understanding this value, I sought guidance and reached out to my sponsor to talk through a potential change in my life.
The Conversation:
Me: “Hey, you know I have been thinking lately…”
My Sponsor: “That can be dangerous…”
Me: “Seriously, I need to find a new job.”
My Sponsor: “Oh really, what’s going on at work?”
Me: “I have been frustrated for some time because I’m not getting the credit I deserve.”
My Sponsor: “Credit for what, getting paid to work?”
Me: “Seriously, hear me out! I was assigned to a team, and we were told we had two weeks to complete this very important project. My teammates are younger and inexperienced, so I decided to work over the weekend by myself”
My Sponsor: “You didn’t ask for their help?”
Me: “No, you know how it is. They’ll just screw it up and I’ll need to fix it anyway.”
My Sponsor: “So this is more about your ego and taking charge?”
Me: “…I think I need a change anyway. I have a friend of mine that is making a lot more money than I am for the same job responsibilities; plus, he gets four weeks of paid vacation a year. He told me there is an opening at his company and that I should apply before the position is filled. What do you think?”
My Sponsor: “It doesn’t matter what I think, did you pray about it?”
Me: “No not yet, but I’m feeling pressured to make a decision and I think I need a change…”
My Sponsor: “How long have you been with your company?”
Me: “Fifteen years, I was hired after 6 months of sobriety.”
My Sponsor: “Sounds like a gift from God.”
Me: “Or maybe God is nudging me to make a change?”
My Sponsor: “Why not pray about it? Then see what your heart tells you to do.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll pray later.”
Brainstorming:
Late that night, before beginning to pray, I spent some time thinking. I made a list of all the possible scenarios that might unfold if I decided to change jobs. After considering the options, I quickly convinced myself that it would be fine to apply for the new position. Since I still had my current job, I felt there was nothing to lose. I wrote an email, attached my resume, and pressed the send button.
Before going to bed, I paused to say a quick prayer: “God, as you know, I have been very unhappy for quite a while with my job. I have worked hard but feel I’m not respected. Please support my decision to make this change… Thy will be done. Amen.”
The Wrestling Match:
Throughout the next day, anxiety and doubt gnawed at me. I tried to reassure myself that applying for the new job was the right decision, but irritability and restlessness kept surfacing at work. I had trouble focussing and contributing to my team.
The day ended and I went home feeling useless and tired. I was unable to engage with my family at the dinner table. When my wife asked me if everything was okay I answered her abruptly- “I’m fine.” I excused myself and went to bed early.
By nighttime, I was tossing and turning, unable to calm my mind or find peace. Eventually, exhaustion took over, and I prayed sincerely for guidance and relief, ready to surrender my worries- “Lord, if I can just hold on to you throughout this next day. Please show me some rest and take care of the mess I made in my life. I give up!”
An Unexpected Outcome:
The following morning before leaving for work, I checked my laptop for email messages. To my surprise, I see that the email I sent to my friend never went through. The screen displays: “Failure to Send Message.”
Looking back, I wondered if this was God’s way of reminding me to trust Him rather than rush ahead on my own. I learned through this experience a valuable lesson. First, stop before acting and pray to God, asking for His guidance. Second, share my thoughts and feelings with someone I trust. Third, make amends to those I affected. Fourth, turn my attention and be of service to someone else. Finally, be patient and wait for the answer to come.
“In thinking about our day, we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, and intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take t easy, we don’t struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers will come after we have tried this for a while.”- Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 87.