Making Amends Through Responsibility
Many recovering alcoholics occasionally struggle with self-centeredness and stubbornness when admitting their fault, and I am no exception. Here is one example:
In early sobriety, as part of my living amends to my ten-year-old daughter, my wife and I agreed to let her get a kitten. The expectations were clear: she would be responsible for feeding the cat and cleaning the litter box every day. Filled with excitement, my daughter readily agreed to these terms, not fully comprehending the commitment involved. Initially, she approached her new responsibilities with enthusiasm, but it did not take long for her to see them as a chore.
Growing Pains and Mounting Frustration
As my daughter entered her teenage years, her attention shifted to other interests, such as boys, and her cat litter duties became less of a priority. There were multiple instances when I came home to find the litter box uncleaned, which left me feeling irritated. The task was simple: scoop the waste into a brown paper bag and throw it away. My irritation soon turned to anger, but I chose to avoid confrontation, allowing my resentment to build and the suffering to begin.
A Breaking Point
One day, after returning home tired from a two-day business trip, I discovered a brown paper bag full of cat waste sitting on the laundry shelf, directly above the cat box. Overcome with fury, I stormed into my daughter’s room, clutching the bag. I intended to toss it onto her bed as a form of reprimand, shouting, “I told you to clean up your mess!” However, as the bag flew through the air, it split open, scattering cat litter and waste throughout her room. My daughter’s expression shifted from surprise to sadness as our eyes met. At that moment, my wife came in and scolded me, revealing that she had placed the bag on the shelf as a favor to our daughter, who had stayed home from school with a cold. The truth surfaced: it was I who was acting childishly, and my silent suffering was exposed.
Struggling With Pride
My experience in the AA program taught me the importance of making amends, but my pride prevented me from doing so. Instead of seeking forgiveness, I turned away from my wife and daughter and retreated down the hallway to take a shower.
Reflection and Realization
Standing under the hot shower, I became overwhelmed by shame and self-pity. As I prayed to God, a quiet inner voice reminded me that I had choices. The first was to dig in and refuse to admit my fault, but doing so would only ensure that the suffering became mine to bear, making it harder to repair the damage. The second choice was to humble myself and ask my daughter for forgiveness. While both options required humility, the latter would allow for quicker healing and the restoration of our relationship.
Reconciliation
Later that evening, I summoned the courage to sit beside my daughter on the couch while she was watching TV. I leaned over, kissed her cheek, and simply said I was sorry—no excuses or explanations. She understood this gesture of humility in her own way, and there was no need for either of us to suffer any longer. My daughter smiled and responded, “It’s okay Dad, I love you too.” My wife stood in the distance and smiled.