Facing Resentment
Many recovering alcoholics struggle to see their part in an incident that offends them. The seeds of resentment are planted which can quickly grow into anger, or worse, if not properly treated.
One day, I found myself at a coffee shop with my sponsor, weighed down by resentment toward a family member. As I talked—really, as I complained—my sponsor listened with patience. I wanted the issue to be resolved but struggled to see my own role in the conflict. I was hurt and felt the urge to retaliate. After about ten minutes of venting, my sponsor interrupted with a suggestion that caught me off guard.
The Fourth Step Assignment
My Sponsor: “Why don’t you go home and write all of this down in a fourth step inventory and report back to me in a couple of days. We can cover your fears and resentments and look at your part in the whole thing.”
Me: “I can write it down but it’s not going to change anything.”
My Sponsor: “You know David, sometimes you just have to do the work and trust in the process and let God take care of the outcome.”
Taking the Assignment
With a stern look from my sponsor, I reluctantly agreed to write about my inventory. My determination was to prove I was the one who had been wronged and that the family member was at fault. I believed documenting the situation would convince my sponsor of my perspective, certain that I was right and the other person was wrong.
The Process of Writing
Initially, my writing was more venting than reflection, and I even caught myself talking aloud as I wrote about the causes and my feelings. After about half an hour, I began to realize there were aspects I needed to own. I had said some unkind things, and my view of myself started to shift. My perception changed, and I completed my fourth step later that evening. I texted my sponsor to say I was ready to meet again.
Reviewing Resentments and Making Amends
A few days later, we met to review my resentments. I was able to see honestly that some of my behavior was rooted in fear and that I had spoken wrongly to my family member. I felt remorse and knew I needed to make amends. My experience with previous amends had taught me how humbling it could be, and I realized I couldn’t hold onto the resentment any longer.
Finding Courage and Humility
Admitting my mistakes is never easy, but I know that cleaning up my mess is essential to my sobriety. I must take responsibility for my actions. Regardless of how the meeting turned out, I knew I had to make the effort to do what was right. This required courage, and before starting, I said a quiet prayer:
“God, help me through this process, that no matter what happens, keep me from causing any more harm. I ask for the humility and courage to be honest and have the strength to speak with an open heart, Amen.”
Reflecting on the Outcome
After making amends with my family member, I checked in with my sponsor, and the conversation went like this:
My Sponsor: “Was the amends difficult?”
Me: “At first, yes.”
My Sponsor: “Why? Were you fearful of the outcome?”
Me: “Yes.”
My Sponsor: “Did it turn the way you expected?”
Me: “No.”
My Sponsor: “Can you please explain?”
Me: “It went better than I expected”
My Sponsor: “Amazing what happens when you do a little work.”
Me: “You know, it feels like God pruned back some of my dead branches. I realize to grow, I need to discard some old habits, maybe try to be kinder. Thanks for your help.”
My Sponsor: “Don’t thank me, thank God.”
“Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit” – John 15:2