Early in recovery, my sponsor told me I suffered from self-delusion, which upset me as I thought I was doing fine. He asked if I’d ever lied, stolen, or cheated. I regrettably admitted yes.
The hardest part was realizing that my drinking took time away from my family. I hadn’t noticed how alcohol distracted me from them, and believing I had things under control was just self-deception.
Recognizing Self-Deception
Facing the truth about ourselves is often challenging. We may easily convince ourselves that our own perspectives are always correct, particularly when we rely solely on our unchecked thoughts. We are unwilling to be completely honest with ourselves; small self-deceptions accumulate. If we continue to lie to ourselves over time, these falsehoods eventually start to feel true. In my experience, this cycle was especially apparent during periods of drinking. I would tell one lie, then another to cover it, and eventually, I would accept the layered lies as my reality—ultimately believing them.
The Subtlety of Exaggeration
A very common form of self-deception is exaggerating or bending the truth. Recovering alcoholics are very familiar with this particular skill. For example- the tendency to embellish often surfaces at family gatherings or dinner parties, where stories about the past are retold. To make these stories more entertaining or memorable, details are gradually exaggerated, and eventually the stories take on a life of their own becoming further removed from reality.
The danger of exaggerating the truth is two-fold:
- Exaggerated stories often turn into gossip. Gossip, at its core, is bearing false witness against another, which not only causes harm but directly contradicts God’s commandment. Gossip elevates one persons self worth while diminishing another’s, often at their expense.
- Exaggerated stories often turn into boastfulness. Taking credit for things that may have never actually happened. It disguises the real truth from being told. When others believe these stories, they are being misled, creating a false image both for oneself and for those hearing the tale.
I stay cautious, as subtle lies can creep in, and visions of grandeur can let the temptation of a first drink slip into my subconscious. The first step in AA reminds me of this.
Dealing with the Truth
When lies are eventually exposed, they reveal uncomfortable truths about who I am. This means coming face-to-face with my own self-centeredness and low self-esteem. I used to spin stories to gain acceptance in a group. The impulse to invent or stretch stories often stems from a desire to remain interesting in the eyes of others or to hide facts I wish to keep concealed.
Whenever I am confronted with my dishonesty, my typical responses include making excuses, redirecting blame, challenging the accusation, or even attacking others. In those sudden moments, I have a choice to act with humility or humiliation. Defending myself only further distorts my perception of reality and hinders me from learning the real truth about myself.
Finding a Solution in Honesty
So, what is the solution? It lies in the principle of honesty. Rigorous honesty! However, for those in early recovery, honesty can feel costly. It removes the defense mechanisms that previously shielded us from acknowledging our own negative behaviors.
The first principle of Alcoholics Anonymous, corresponding to the first step, emphasizes honesty and entails acknowledging one’s powerlessness. Being absolutely convinced of this principle, we can humbly summon the grace of God:
“Thy will be done—not mine”
This short prayer highlights both my commitment to integrity and grants friends and family members the opportunity to provide constructive feedback when necessary. Although this process is humbling, it remains crucial for authentic growth, transparency and recovery.