Warning Signs
Around my seventh or eighth year of sobriety, I noticed a shift in my attitude toward AA meetings. I found myself growing irritated by hearing the same shares from some of the same people, and before long I felt restless and irritable. I called my sponsor and told him about my frustration. He reminded me that not many people reach seven or eight years of sobriety without struggling, and that relapse at that stage is not uncommon. Many who return, he said, describe becoming increasingly critical and judgmental before they drank again. Then he gave me this warning: “Take a close look at your attitude and behavior and ask yourself whether some of your character defects are resurfacing.” My sponsor was right; I wasn’t spiritually grounded.
Learning Self-Forgiveness
I looked back at an old fourth step inventory, and what I saw frightened me. The same character defects were still there, but instead of criticizing others, I had turned them inward and was condemning myself. I could not forgive myself. This defect caused me to judge, criticize, and blame myself relentlessly for past mistakes, until I felt unworthy of God’s love. The guilt became so heavy that I began to believe redemption was beyond my reach.
With the help of my sponsor, I worked through the steps again and began cleaning up the wreckage I had made. Step Eight became especially important as I prepared to make amends with a new understanding of myself. At the core of that step, I rediscovered forgiveness. Step five had opened my mind to seeking and receiving forgiveness; but the amends process is where I experienced results first hand- from the very people I had hurt. As I tried to make things right in those relationships, I also began to learn how to forgive myself.
The Courtroom
I created a metaphor for the spiritual malady of judging others that I call “the courtroom.” In the past, I moved through that courtroom in every role. I prosecuted others, made false accusations, defended myself when I was caught in a lie, judged when I felt threatened, and sat as juror when I wanted to control the outcome.
In each role, I was avoiding the truth and harming both myself and others. I knew I needed to honestly examine my motives. I could no longer play the roles of prosecutor, defender, judge, victim, or jury. Seeing myself in each of those roles exposed both my ego and my low self-esteem.
As I sought the truth, I stepped back from the destructive roles that kept me trapped in judgment. The Twelve Steps taught me humility, restored my dignity, and helped me turn from self-centeredness toward God.
A Change in Venue
A public trial may require a change of venue to ensure fairness. In the same way, spiritual change requires a change in where we stand and who has authority over our lives.
First, it means denying ourselves and surrendering every claim to self-righteousness.
Second, it means turning away from self-focus and placing ourselves under God’s authority, allowing Him—not our ego, our fears, or low self-esteem to be our Judge.
The Verdict
Here is the good news: God is our new Judge. He is just, impartial, and full of mercy, and His verdict over those who repent is not guilty. How can that be? Because Jesus stood in the courtroom in our place and took upon Himself what we deserved. When we turn from sin and surrender our lives to Him, we are no longer condemned; we are forgiven, set free, and welcomed into a new life.
The evangelist John Stanley once said, “The good news is that after the Judge pronounced you and me ‘not guilty’, He walked around from behind the bench and welcomed us into His family.”
We have been spared the sentence of death and given the gift of life, both now and for eternity. The trial is over, and through our Savior, the victory is won.
“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” – 1 Corinthians 15:56