Making amends is not always easy but necessary for the healing process to begin, especially for those in recovery. I’m not an expert on the psychological aspects of making amends, but I can speak from decades of personal recovery experience and from helping others through the process.
Making amends reflects three spiritual principles: justice, righting wrongs without blame; humility, admitting harm without pride; and love, putting others before yourself.
After making amends, there may be an adjustment period. I may still feel guilt or anger, a sign my mind is holding on to the past. Acceptance and patience help me detach, allowing God to heal me and possibly restore a broken relationship.
How the recipient of the amends reacts to the person giving amends can be a bit more challenging to understand. I have witnessed through men I work with, and through personal experiences several different outcomes.
Clemency- the recipient forgives the offense, but the relationship is different. The injured person may set boundaries for safety and may not invite the offender back into their inner circle.
My stepfather was an abusive alcoholic during my childhood. After I got sober, I was still able to make amends to him while keeping healthy boundaries to protect myself and my family.
Reconciliation– the recipient either chooses to fully restore the relationship or not. Most people I make amends with move forward, let go of the past, and restore the relationship because they see my heart has changed.
Others have surprised me. I expected the relationship to be restored, but that did not always happen. In those moments, it helped me to remember that sincere amends can still bring freedom, because I did the best I could.
Detachment– In a few cases, I made amends, and the recipient seemed to accept my apology, but later used it to try to gain control over me—the opposite of freedom. In those situations, the best I can do is “detach with love” and pray for them.
To avoid being pulled back into guilt, anger, or resentment, I learned a prayer from one of my spiritual guides that has been especially helpful:
God, I renounce any claim I have on myself.
In the name of Jesus, I forgive (this person) for what they have done, In the name of Jesus, I release (this person) from all justice due to me, In the name of Jesus, I bless (this person) today.
For it is in forgiveness of (this person) and not my bitterness where I will find freedom and healing. Amen.
Praying this daily for 21 days has helped me detach and find freedom. Whatever the outcome, making amends keeps my side of the street clean.
I really like the breakdown of the recipient’s possible reactions to the amends, good to think about and share with others. Also love the prayer at the end. It is useful in so many situations.